I don’t generally like to post whole articles, but the OG link seems to have been taken down. I’ve bolded the important statements.
Seizing life with both hands
The Yomiuri Shimbun
Matsuzawa Yasuhide feels the bare buttocks of a young female standing in front of him. His hands are deft and purposeful, moving in circles on her cheeks, pausing, squeezing and administering sharp pats. A short dialogue ensues, after which the girl nods earnestly, thanks Matsuzawa and pays him two hundred yen for his efforts.
A sign on the wall behind Matsuzawa describes him as an oshiri kanteishi, a “buttocks appraiser,” possibly the first in Japan to hold the title. He rents a corner area of an all-women’s health spa in Tokyo’s Shinjuku district and, for six hours a day, sits on a stool and attends to a steady stream of women who seek his opinion regarding the condition of their posteriors.
He earns a good living and, as word of his expertise spreads and his clientele continues to blossom, he expects to move into his own space within a year.
But Matsuzawa, whose current lifestyle is one which many men would call ideal, has not always been rewarded kindly for his handiwork.
A year ago, he was just another of Japan’s famed train perverts, stealing handfuls of female derriere and shamefully enduring glares, slaps to the face and shouts of “Chikan!” in return – not to mention more than a few times nearly being collared by police or vigilante train passengers.
“I’m obsessed with buttocks,” he says. “Ever since I can remember, I look carefully at the buttocks of every woman I see, and when the buttocks are nice and shapely – it is difficult to explain – I experience an overwhelming urge to touch them. It’s a force of nature which is too powerful for me to resist. I mean no harm by it. I have always seen it as a sincere expression of appreciation, but unfortunately women have not understood it that way.” Until now.
In fact, last week, one satisfied customer returned three months after her first consultation with the “buttocks appraiser” to personally thank him for his help. She told him that the number of men who approached her – not random people on the street but acquaintances and coworkers who had seemingly not noticed her before – had exploded since she followed his advice to wear tighter pants.
“I have rather large, round buttocks,” she says, “and I had always been told by my girl friends that only women with very small buttocks should wear form-fitting clothes. But Mr. Matsuzawa taught me that from the male perspective, this is a myth. He said it is the case that tight pants should only be worn by women with full bottoms and that quite small or flat bottoms in tight pants are not really a turn-on. Judging by the amount of attention I receive compared to before – men in my office who never spoke to me now go out of their way to make small conversation with me – I think he is right.”
As four women wait patiently in line, Matsuzawa begins to appraise new a set of buttocks.
He asks the customer a few background questions about her self-image, her daily routine and diet, and what type of man she generally wishes to attract.
Not only does Matsuzawa glean valuable information from the women’s answers, which he will use to offer pertinent advice, but it also helps set them at ease, as excessive nervousness or giggling causes their buttocks to be unnaturally taught or misshapen.
Clothing is optional during the consultation. Some women choose to remain fully clothed, while others will strip down to their underwear or go nude. Matsuzawa advises them that the less interference there is, the more accurate his advice will be.
He will ask a customer to walk around a bit, to bend, squat or stretch upwards on their tip-toes, before moving on to the physical stage.
He then feels his way around the buttocks until he is satisfied that he can offer a comprehensive critique of her rear end, usually in the form of a comparison with an everyday object or food item: Japanese cushions (zabuton), a peach, tofu. The designation depends on shape, size and texture.
The final stage is to offer advice to the woman. If her rump is too big or too soft, he may suggest that she decrease the number of hours she spends sitting at work, or that she make it a point to walk a few more kilometers each day to firm it up. If she is too small or too firm, he may suggest she include more fatty foods in her diet.
“Many women think, incorrectly, that firmness is always a plus,” says Matsuzawa. “They are surprised when I tell them that many men like a little fat on the backside, which they feel they could use as a pillow…to fall asleep on and dream of wonderful things.”
Matsuzawa has decided that his present customer possesses daifuku buttocks. Daifuku is a Japanese rice cake stuffed with sweet bean paste.
He explains that for many men this is an ideal buttocks, with the hard, sculpted muscles inside (the sweet bean paste) covered by a thin layer of fat (pounded rice, or mocha).
The customer admits that she often catches men gazing at her posterior. Matsuzawa tells her that he personally would not suggest that she take any special action, as long as she is able to maintain her divine form.
Not all women can be dealt with so easily. Indeed, when Matsuzawa is asked what makes him think he is any more qualified than other men to hold the oshiri kanteishi title, he cites his diplomatic skills as strong point.
“Women can be very sensitive to remarks about their backsides, and most of the time, a man will simply tell a woman what he thinks she wants to hear, which is not always his honest opinion. It is my job, however, to speak from an objective male perspective, and sometimes negatives must be voiced. The trick is to deliver it in such a way as to encourage the customer, not to make her self-conscious or go and eat four boxes of chocolate out of hopelessness.”
The lowest rated buttocks, says Matsuzawa, are what he calls the osembe variety: flat, round and hard.
In addition to his interpersonal skills, Matsuzawa also cites his vast experience – he estimates that he has felt more than 1,800 buttocks over the years, mostly in public and uninvited – and his sheer enthusiasm for the subject matter, as giving him superior credentials for the position.
He says he awaits the day such work becomes regulated and he can apply for licensure, if not teach the licensure classes himself.
He also remarks that women have occasionally asked for his opinion on other body parts as well, such as their breasts, stomach or feet, but Matsuzawa declines. He reasons that other men are no doubt more instinctively inclined to be experts on those features.
“I am a simple man,” says Matsuzawa. “I know butts, and that is enough for me.”
What inspired Matsuzawa to turn his unusual dream into reality?
He graduated from a highly-ranked university with a degree in banking, yet he says it was his parents’ idea for him to study that subject. After graduation, he worked for a short time at a bank, and although the position was stable and well-paid, he quickly became bored with it, quit the job and did not even attempt to find new employment for the next five years.
He had joined the large underclass of unmotivated Japanese youth known as NEETs (“not in employment, education or training”).
Then two years ago, he ran into an old high school classmate. He says the classmate, one of his best friends in their youth, had been extremely intelligent and a gifted artist. Nevertheless, he had dropped out of school during the second year, and the two lost touch.
When they met again, Matsuzawa says, his old friend was doing remarkably well. He had used his natural talent for drawing to become a self-employed tattooist, a job that brought him good money and, more importantly, happiness, neither of which Matsuzawa could claim for himself.
So, Matsuzawa thought long and hard about his interests and his future. His penchant for buttocks had been nothing more than a preoccupation, one of which he did not speak to anyone and rarely thought about if he could help it, but now he wondered if it could not be parlayed into something more.
That’s when he approached the proprietess of the women’s health spa with his idea. It did not come as a surprise when she ridiculed his idea and called him unsavory names.
But he did not give up. He spent the next three days standing outside the health spa, with the merciful owner’s permission, surveying women as they walked by. By the end, he was able to show the owner that a significant number of women would be interested in trying his service and to secure an agreement work as an independent contractor within her establishment.
Now, things couldn’t be better.
Furthermore, Professor Ogawa Yuki of Tokyo University’s Sociology Department comments that Matsuzawa should be emulated.
“For several years now, the NEET phenomenon has puzzled professionals and policy-makers. Japan is clearly at a crossroads, where young people do not want to follow the same road taken by their parents,” says Prof. Ogawa, “and yet it has been said that they lack the creativity and courage to make a new road for themselves. Mr. Matsuzawa has taken the initiative, and anyone who cares about social stability in this country will hope to see more like him in the future.”
But the future is the last thing on Matsuzawa’s mind, with the happiness of here and now at his fingertips.
When he quit his banking job and became a NEET, he said it was because he visualized a future in which he was destined to be suffocated and desperate, at the end of which he would perhaps be just the type of individual to become an anonymous suicide statistic.
Even after he quit his unfulfilling job, freedom alone brought little contentment, as he filled his days riding crowded trains for the sole purpose of groping women.
“I knew what I liked, and I acted on it, but I also knew it was wrong,” he says. “But now it all feels right.”
(May 22, 2008)
Let me reiterate the most important statement in the article:
“I am a simple man,” says Matsuzawa. “I know butts, and that is enough for me.”
This is yet another case of a man finding his true love and pursuing it as his livelihood. Who can argue with that? As an ass-man myself, I sympathize with Mr. Matsuzawa and also often find myself daydreaming of coconut shaped derrieres. While I don’t condone groping women on the train like a dirty jap, I commend him for having the courage to even propose this as a job. This is true innovation, people!
Hyori has an impeccable ass: